The Julian Game by Adele Griffin (reviewed by Emily TenCate)

According to its cover, The Julian Game was supposed to be an intriguing tale about high school and modern-day life in the form of misrepresentation through the Internet. Yet the book itself was sorely misrepresented by the cover-summary.

Hence my main complaint: the author was trying REALLY HARD to make her characters relatable and interesting and, most of all, MODERN (aka, good at technology), but it's clearly been a while since the author was a teenager.

It's as if, having forgotten what it was like to be in high school, the author emphasized every awful thing she read about in other teen romances. Everything is taken to ridiculous extremes, particularly the characters.

The in-crowd (cleverly titled "the Group") includes a fashion model and four other psychopaths who refer to each other as "Loozer" (I can only assume the spelling is meant to reflect the mental capacities of the Group?), "Lardass," (self-explanatory) and "Nerbit" (which is supposed to mean something like "nerd" but instead sounds like a rather charming combination of "gerbil" and "armpit"). They also drink lots of Irish Whiskey, invent fake Facebook profiles in attempts to get guys (is this a common custom among high school girls? I wouldn't know...) and go to way too many parties. There is a significant lack of schoolwork involved.

The antagonist, naturally one of the in-crowd, is so obnoxious that she's actually unreal: her routine revenge scheme typically involves something along the lines of causing an entire family to go bankrupt. Oh, and of course she draws on body fat with gel pens at sleepovers and creates slanderous blogs demolishing others' reputations - but as Queen Bee of high school, those are in the job description.

On the other side of the equation, you have the main character, who is a nerd. Fairly typical: nerdy characters are in vogue for teen fiction these days! But the author, once again, decides she wants her hero to really stand out, so she emphasizes the nerdiness like none other and inadvertently creates a cliche that is more cliched than I have ever seen before. As a result, our main character, who is named after some freakishly obscure painter, is into Star Trek, Star Wars, video gaming, and Mandarin Chinese tutoring (I will admit that this is cool, while perhaps a bit unrealistic). She's unathletic and scrawny, and to complete the image, she wears XL hoodies and baggy pants all the time. (Naturally, though, when she dresses up, she's drop-dead gorgeous - how else would she attend a million parties?)

Speaking of character development: the novel includes numerous demented, forced character quirks that are JUST TOO WEIRD to be real. For example, the antagonist rehearses her password (out loud, in normal conversation) 94 times - precisely- the month before she changes it. It's not only ridiculous - it's also just bad computer-use policy in general. I never knew that there was such a thing as "too unique," but this book has convinced me that there is.

While the characters are definitely pushing the far bounds of believable with their quirkiness, the plot does anything but. As per usual, our nerdling hero pines after the in-crowd. Violently so. She'd do anything to talk to them - even offer to tutor antagonist master in Mandarin Chinese! She simply yearns to be addressed by those offensive, derogatory, but somehow oh-so-wonderful nicknames!

So she invents this fake online profile and then shares it with Evil Antagonist from the in-crowd so that they can talk to gorgeous, unattainable, athletic, bit-of-a-player, most-popular-guy-at-the-nearby-boy's-school Julian. Well, except evil antagonist doesn't want to talk... she wants to get back at hot-jock! With her typical overblown MO, she invites hot-jock, through an incredibly convoluted scheme, to a party where he gets both beaten up AND arrested! Because that totally happens all the time in high school!

Through yet another convolution (after all the directions it's been twisted in, the plot looks like a balloon animal!) hot-jock and main character nerd make out!

And then decide they don't like each other.

Thank goodness, the end.

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Thanks for the total honesty, Emily! We appreciate it when people tell us how they REALLY feel in their reviews.

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